The Vitamin Pyramid Scheme

Jake's palms were sweating so much he could barely grip his phone. The Instagram Live countdown ticked down: 00:05, 00:04...

"You got this, man," Marcus whispered, though his hair had seen better days—currently doing something that could only be described as 'electrocuted poodle meets gravity.' "These hair vitamins are literally going to save us."

Us. Right. Jake and Marcus, plus four other sophomores who'd accidentally joined what Jake was now 97% sure was a pyramid scheme disguised as a 'wellness influencer collective.' The vitamins were supposedly organic, plant-based, and guaranteed to give you 'lustrous locks that literally glow.' What they actually gave you was gas and a lighter wallet.

00:01. Live.

Jake stared at the cable connecting his phone to the portable charger Marcus had 'borrowed' from his sister without asking. It was frayed at the ends, exposing copper wire that sparked when you wiggled it wrong. If this died, their dignity died with it.

"Yo what's up guys!" Jake's voice cracked. Classic. "Today we're talking about GlowFuel vitamins and how they literally changed my life. Like, my hair has never been—"

The camera froze. Jake's face twisted mid-word, mouth half-open like a dying fish. Below him, the chat scrolled: *lmao*, *what's happening*, *is he buffering*, *bro look at that cable*.

"Wiggle it!" Marcus hissed.

Jake jiggled the cable. Nothing. The battery icon turned red, then black. The stream cut.

Silence filled Marcus's bedroom. Then: laughter. Not from Marcus—from the living room downstairs, where his sister and her friends were watching on the TV.

Jake's palms weren't sweating anymore. They were just... numb. Because this was it. This was rock bottom. He'd just frozen on Instagram Live trying to sell sketchy vitamins while looking like he'd stuck a fork in an electrical outlet.

"Bro," Marcus said, finally cracking up too. "We're literally the cringiest people at school now."

And then Jake started laughing too. Because yeah, they were. But also—his hair had looked kind of amazing for a minute there, before the static electricity took over. And maybe there was something hilarious about hitting rock bottom at age fifteen. There was nowhere to go but up.

Unless they tried to relaunch with a different cable. Then, possibly, they could go lower.

"Next time," Jake said, still chuckling, "we're selling portable chargers. At least those actually work."

"Deal," Marcus said. "But we're keeping the hair vitamins for ourselves. I'm actually kinda vibing with this look."