The Spinach Scheme

The pyramid scheme arrived in a cardboard box labeled GREEN LIVING, filled to the brim with spinach powder packets that my mom swore would 'change our financial future.' I was sixteen and mostly concerned with changing mygrade from a C+ to a B- in AP Chem, but apparently we were now entrepreneurs.

"It's not a pyramid, Leo," Mom insisted, arranging the neon-green packets on the kitchen counter like a shrine to capitalism. "It's a multi-level marketing opportunity. Your aunt Sarah made three thousand dollars last month."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that Aunt Sarah also worked three jobs and hadn't slept since 2019.

The real disaster happened when Mom decided to host a 'wellness party' the same day as Jake's birthday bonfire. Jake, who I'd been low-key crushing on since seventh grade, whose hair somehow looked perfect even when he'd just woken up, whose smile made my stomach do actual gymnastics.

"You have to be there!" Mom chirped. "It'll be fun! We'll make smoothies!"

I wanted to die. Actually die. Cease to exist.

The party was somehow worse than I'd imagined. Mom had me wear a GREEN LIVING t-shirt that said EAT YOUR WAY TO WEALTH in aggressive all-caps. My little brother kept pointing at my teeth.

"You have spinach in your braces," he announced loudly. "Again."

And then the doorbell rang.

It was Jake. Holding a birthday gift. Looking confused as hell.

"Uh, I think I have the wrong house?"

"No!" I practically shouted. "You're here! For the! Wellness! Party!"

The next hour was a slow-motion car crash. Mom gave Jake a spinach smoothie. He drank it because he was too polite to say no. His face did this complicated thing where he tried to smile but his eyes were screaming.

"So," Mom said, "have you ever thought about financial freedom?"

I had to bear it. I had to stand there in my EAT YOUR WAY TO WEALTH shirt while my mom tried to recruit my crush into selling dehydrated vegetables to strangers.

Jake left quickly after that.

But here's the thing — he texted me that night. 'Your mom's intense but kind of amazing. Also I still have spinach in my teeth.' We've been talking for three weeks now. Mom's sold exactly twelve boxes of powder and lost forty dollars. But she did accidentally help me get a boyfriend. So. Win?

Some pyramids really do change your life. Just not in the way you expect.