The Goldfish Ultimatum

The coaxial cable lay tangled on Marcus's floor like a dead snake, which felt appropriate considering we were about to watch his life spiral into chaos.

"Bro, you can't just dump Riley over a text," I said, kicking the cable aside. "That's literally unhinged behavior."

Marcus didn't look up from his phone. His pet goldfish, Admiral Bubblegum, swam lazy circles in his bowl on the nightstand, completely unaware that his owner was about to make the worst decision of sophomore year.

"She's obsessed with her phone," Marcus said. "Like, actually obsessed. We haven't had a real conversation in weeks."

"So talk to her? Like a functioning human?"

"I'm done talking. I'm doing it."

He hit send. The message was delivered: *we need to break up.*

I flopped onto his bed. "Riley is going to destroy you. She has connections, Marcus. The whole friend group is gonna choose sides, and you're going to be that guy who eats lunch alone."

Marcus shrugged, but his hand was shaking. "Whatever. At least I won't be ghosted by my own girlfriend."

Then his phone buzzed. Riley had replied instantly. *Can we talk? Come over.*

"See?" I said. "She's coming to murder you. I'm calling it now—this is how we lose you."

Marcus's eyes went wide. "Oh my god. You think she's actually gonna come over? Now?"

"She literally asked you to come over—"

"No, look."

He held up his phone. Another text from Riley: *My goldfish is dying and I don't know what to do. Please come over.*

The room went silent. Even Admiral Bubblegum seemed to pause.

"Wait," I said. "You just broke up with her because she's 'obsessed with her phone,' but she texted you because her fish is dying?"

Marcus's face went pale. "I messed up, didn't I?"

"Yeah, big time."

He scrambled for his shoes. "Crap, crap, crap—is that cable connected yet? I need to Google 'how to save a dying goldfish'—"

"Just go, idiot!" I shoved him toward the door. "And maybe don't lead with 'hey I just dumped you.'"

"You're coming with me!" he yelled back. "I can't face her alone!"

I sighed, grabbed my hoodie, and followed him out. Some wingman I was.

"Fine," I said. "But if this goes south, you're buying me boba for a month."

"Deal."

We ran to Riley's house in the rain, two idiots chasing after a girl and a fish, and honestly? That's exactly what being sixteen felt like. Messy, confusing, and absolutely worth it.