The Goldfish at the Edge of Everything

The pool was empty at 3 AM, which was exactly why Mara had chosen this hour. She sat on the edge, legs dangling in the chlorinated water, watching the underwater light cast rippling shadows across the concrete deck. Somewhere beyond the fence, a hotel decorative pond glowed with the orange flash of goldfish——dozens of them, circling endlessly in their too-small universe.

She'd found her first gray hair that morning. Just one, sprung from her temple like a wire-thin betrayal. Julian would've called it distinguished. Julian would've kissed her temple and said he loved her anyway. But Julian wasn't here anymore.

The hair now rested on the white concrete beside her thigh, a single dark strand against the artificial brightness. She'd pulled it out and carried it all the way down here, as if it contained some secret she needed to decipher.

"You're going to fall in," a voice said.

Mara didn't turn. She knew Derek's silhouette without looking——the night manager who'd found her here three nights running, whose shift always seemed to overlap with her insomnia. "I'm good at balancing."

"That's not what I meant."

He sat beside her, close enough that she could smell cigarette smoke and cheap cologne. Neither of them spoke for a long moment. The goldfish flashed orange in the distance.

"My wife left," he said suddenly. "Two months ago. She said she couldn't breathe anymore."

Mara looked at him. Really looked. The lines around his eyes, the way his shoulders curved forward, like he was protecting something fragile. "Julian died. Car accident. Five months ago."

"Oh." His voice cracked. "I thought——"

"——that I was just another unhappy guest?"

"Something like that."

She laughed, and it felt like something breaking open inside her chest. The gray hair caught in the breeze and tumbled into the pool, sinking slowly into the blue.

"There it goes," she whispered.

"You can always grow another one," he said, and they both pretended he was talking about hair.

The goldfish darted through their illuminated pond, unaware that anything existed beyond their glass walls. Mara slipped into the water, and for the first time in months, she didn't feel like she was drowning.