The Fedora at the Deep End

Jordan's phone buzzed. Party at the Klines' pool. You coming?

She stared at the ceiling fan. Last year, she'd been the first one in the cannonball contest, the one who'd swim until her fingers turned into prunes. But that was before the Incident. Before Jason Martinez posted that photo with the caption WHALE WATCHING and three crying-laughing emojis. Before she started wearing hoodies in July.

"You going?" her mom called from the kitchen.

"Maybe." Jordan grabbed her swim bag from the back of her closet. Inside, her old two-piece still smelled like chlorine and confidence. She shoved it deeper and grabbed the one-piece she'd bought online. Modest. Safe. Invisible.

Her little brother appeared in the doorway, wearing his fedora. The one Jordan had thrifted sophomore year, back when she was trying to be quirky artsy girl instead of just girl-who-used-to-be-athletic.

"You look stupid," she said.

"I'm channeling the forces of cool." He tipped the hat. "You should wear yours."

Jordan grabbed the fedora off his head. "Give me that."

The pool party was already in full swing when she arrived. Bodies everywhere. Jason was there, of course, holding court on the diving board like he owned the water. Jordan found a spot under the umbrella, far from the splashing zone.

"Hey!" It was Maya, her lab partner. "Aren't you hot in that?"

"I'm good." Jordan adjusted her hat.

"Cool fedora." Someone said it behind her. Tyler. The guy who'd sat next to her in English since August and never spoken a single word. "My grandpa had one like that. He wore it to my sister's wedding. He said, 'A man's head is his castle.'"

Jordan laughed. She couldn't help it. Tyler's dimples appeared.

"I'm not trying to make a statement," she said. "I'm just... hiding."

"From what?"

"Everything."

Tyler nodded toward the pool. "Wanna go swimming?"

"I can't."

"Why?"

She didn't answer. She just looked at the water, at the way the light hit it, at all those bodies unashamed of taking up space.

"I used to be fast," she said quietly. "Like, actually fast."

"And now?"

"Now I'm this."

Tyler stood up. "Okay. Watch this." He did the most awkward, terrible cannonball in history, flailing like a frightened bird. Everyone stared. Then someone started clapping. Then everyone was clapping.

He surfaced, grinning. "Your turn."

Jordan took off the hat. Her hair stuck to her forehead in the humidity. She looked at Tyler, treading water like he'd invented it. She looked at Jason, who wasn't even watching anymore.

She put the hat on Tyler's head.

"Keep it safe," she said.

Then she jumped.

The water was cold. It was terrifying and perfect and she was doing it, she was actually doing it, and when she surfaced, Tyler was cheering, and Maya was cheering, and Jason was still holding court on the diving board but it didn't matter, because Jordan was swimming, she was actually swimming, and for the first time in a year, she didn't want to disappear.

She'd get the hat back later. For now, she had somewhere else to be.