Green in the Spotlight

My hair looked sick. Like, actually fire. I'd spent forty-five minutes perfecting the curls, framing my face just right, trying to look like I hadn't tried at all. Jordan's party was tonight, and if there was ever a time to exist, this was it.

"You good?" Maya asked from my doorway, already looking effortless in that way that made my stomach hurt.

"Yeah," I lied. "Just finishing up."

The uber ride there felt like the longest seven minutes of my life. My palms were sweating. My iphone kept blowing up with texts I couldn't bring myself to answer.

u coming???

party's lit

everyone's asking about u

I swiped them away like they were radioactive. Jordan's house was already pulsing with bass when we arrived. The smell of cheap perfume and too many bodies hit me like a wall. People everywhere, clustered in knots of laughter and inside jokes I'd never be part of.

I made a beeline for the kitchen. Safety.

There was a veggie platter sitting on the counter, sad and neglected. I grabbed a piece of spinach—anything to keep my hands from shaking so bad everyone would notice—and stuffed it in my mouth.

"ALEX!"

It was Jordan. Actual Jordan, looking perfect and glowing and surrounded by people I'd been obsessed with from a distance since seventh grade. She marched toward me, and my brain short-circuited.

"Oh my GOD, you actually came! This is HUGE, we were literally just talking about—"

I tried to smile. I tried to say something normal. Something like "yeah, thanks for inviting me" or "your house is amazing" or literally anything that wasn't completely unhinged.

What came out was: "Thanks, I really like your... ceiling."

The moment hung there. Jordan blinked. The spinach wedged between my front teeth felt like it was glowing.

Then someone started laughing. Not mean laughing—just the kind of laughing that happens when something is so awkward it circles back around to being hilarious. Jordan joined in. Suddenly I was laughing too, and the thing I'd been terrified of for hours actually happened—I looked ridiculous—but the world didn't end.

"Come meet everyone," Jordan said, grabbing my arm. "And Alex?"

"Yeah?"

She leaned in close. "You've got a little something in your teeth."

I wiped it away, face burning, but for the first time all night, I wasn't thinking about my hair or my phone or whether I was saying the right thing. I was just... there. Messy and visible and finally, actually present.

Sometimes the worst moments are the ones that break you open. Turns out, that's not always bad.